This month is turning out to be a pretty crappy month. I have been feeling a bit "down" since the beginning of the year. And I lost my e-reader yesterday!
Perhaps it's the short days & long nights.
Maybe it's the awful weather - gone is the beautiful white snow & crisp winter air that we had around Christmas, lately it has been dreary drizzle and overcast skies which just makes the roads wet and slushy on good days, or a dangerous sheet of black ice on bad ones.
The feelings I'm having could be an emotional/mental "crash" from the "highs" that come with Christmas holidays, feasting with family & friends, and just spending some quality time with the people I love.
Or it could be just because it's January. It was a day 3 years ago in January that brought me to who & where I am today. It was horrible devastating news that was delivered to me on a January day, similar to the ones we've been having lately, that changed my life.
I was driving my shiny red car on a familiar highway cruising at 100 km/hr and all the other cars driving with me were keeping a safe distance. I knew where I was going. I had a clear destination in sight. I knew this road like it was the back of my hand, I had driven it thousands of times. It was a beautiful day. The skies were clear and the sun was out but not blinding - just right. The trees, houses & building, and scenery alongside the highway was enough to keep my drive interesting but not distracting. I'm smiling and singing along to a favorite song playing on the radio. Then without notice, without reason, without any cause at all I lose control and my car is spinning out of control in the middle of the road. The brakes don't work, the steering wheel has a mind of it's own, and all I can do is sit there and watch out the windshield of all the cars I'm hitting knocking out of the way, meanwhile my car is still spinning, still accelerating at 100 km/hr. My heart is beating so hard I feel pain in my chest, my mind is racing & my head is pounding, and I am screaming for everything to stop. I don't know how long this went on for but I am still inside my bashed up, broken car. It's all scratched up, dented, pieces of it left behind in the carnage. It's no longer shiny, but rusty & scratched up and it'll never go fast again - my beloved shiny red car!
I'm still driving, though the conditions are all different now. I'm not on that familiar highway and I'm not cruising anymore, no never again. It's stop and go, slowly ploughing through foreign roads in places where I don't recognize. It is a rough, bumpy road, full of sudden turns and dead ends, there are no signs or directions. There will be moments of deja vu - that I've driven this road before and maybe I can let my guard down but it never lasts long before I am back to unfamiliar territory. The skies are cloudy, but I know there is a sun behind those clouds and sometimes a ray of light will sneak out for a brief moment to remind me it's there. The radio still works and music still plays but I can't seem to tune into my favorite radio station anymore - the one that plays all the songs I love and know all the words to. Sometimes I will still try to sing along. I DON'T know where I am going but I can't get out of my car. I HAVE to keep driving. There is no other choice.
Y.C.
No comments:
Post a Comment