12 Year Old Problems

Yesterday one of my daughters saw a picture on social media of a group of her friends having dinner.  The dinner turned out to be a birthday party.  My daughter and the group are all on the same "team" of an extra-curricular activity.  It turns out that along with my daughter, two other members of the team were also not invited.  So most of the evening consisted of the 3 of them lamenting on why they weren't invited.  After her initial outburst from being left out had cooled down, I had a chance to talk to my daughter about it.  I am not at all upset that my child wasn't invited.  I explained to my daughter that the birthday girl had invited friends that she felt close to - there were other invitees who were from different social groups as well.  I'd like to think that the criteria for who to invite or not to invite was not "I don't like her so I'm not going to invite her", but rather, "Who are my closest friends."  I think my daughter understands, but it's still a hard pill to swallow nonetheless (especially for a 12 year old).

Today the same daughter was at another party.  Shortly after she got home she got a text message from a friend who was not invited to the party asking her where she was today and if she went ****.   Obviously someone must have posted a picture of the party on social media.

Our daughter was distressed and wanted advice on how to respond.  She just experienced how it felt to be left out less than 24 hours ago so she can empathize how her friend must be feeling.  She also feels guilty about going to the party.  Our advice to her was to tell the truth, but to also acknowledge that she felt sorry that the friend wasn't there.

And THIS is why I hate social media!

I did have a fleeting impulse to confront the parents involved however I have decided that this is not something parents need to get involved in.  Parents should remain a healthy distance from their children's friendships.  Children need to learn how to navigate through tough situations, and how to identify, establish and nurture different types of friendships and relationships - especially during these teenage years.   I am here to provide a source of reference and advice & a safe place for them to return to whenever they need.

Y.C.