Yesterday I got into a shouting match with M3. It was because she had trouble with her music assignment and she was refusing to take any of my suggestions. Then she started whining, crying, and just going on and on. It was late, after 10 PM, I was ironing. But have I not learned anything over the last few years? Did I regress? I should have known that she was just frustrated and needed some comforting. After we calmed down, I tucked her into bed and we hugged.
I think it’s been almost a year (or even more) since we’ve
had an episode like this. Some history …
Around the age of 6 (six years ago), M3 would have tantrums a few times a
week. She also got unreasonable. She would say things like, “I need to shower
but I don’t want to.” So if I said she
should shower, M3 would get upset and cry because she doesn't want to shower.
Okay, then don’t shower today.
But she would still scream and cry because she needs to shower. Many times, we had to call Uncle Pepe over to
be a peacemaker. He is a very calm
person but sometimes M3 even managed to get him angry.
It got to the point where we had to enlist the help of a
social worker. The school helped us get
connected to one. (Luckily there were no
incidents at school.) We went to see her as a family because M3 had run-ins
with each of us. We (especially me)
wanted to know if there was some sort of behavourial issue with M3. Wow, what an eye-opening experience for
me! The social worker told us, “You guys
are all here to find out what’s wrong with M3, but she’s the only one acting
normal for her age.”
The social worker explained that if M3 had behavourial
issues, she wouldn’t be able to sit nicely for these hour-long sessions. She would act up in school or in public. She only does so at home because that’s where
she seeks comfort. She is probably very
stressed and confused at school and when she gets home, she just lets it all
out.
YC and I had been trying to protect our girls from her
disease by not talking about it. We were
somewhat avoiding the issue. M3 hears
things and senses the negative energy in the household and is very confused by
everything. That is why she gives us
unreasonable arguments – because she has all these emotions inside her that she
can’t understand.
After that, we were more open with our daughters, especially
YC. I had to change my way of
parenting. I function more on
logic. If there’s a problem, tell Daddy
and we’ll come up with a solution. But
M3 functions on emotions. She feels a
certain way, there’s no rhyme or reason; there’s no solution to some
problems. She just wants me to hold her
and comfort her.
Through the sessions, I learned to be more patient, offer more emotional support than problem solving. There were still tantrums, but less and less. My relationship with M3 slowly improved. During COVID, we played together almost everyday – basketball and biking outdoors or cards and board games indoors. When she started going to school in person again, she started hanging out with her friends again. They walked to school together as a group and played in the park after school. There’s still drama sometimes about who is better friends with whom, but I think that is all “normal behaviour" for school children at her age.
I know my anger issues have made me a bad parent at times
but when I think back about this journey with M3 and me, I am very happy. I am happy that I was able to change my
behaviour (occasional regression, notwithstanding). I am happy about how our relationship has
improved and how it continues to develop. I am happy that M3 has become
a happy, cheerful, and nice little girl.
Sometimes I hear her offering to help her grandma with housework and
that warms my heart.
Of course, we still get mad at each other once in a while, but it’s no
different than what happens with M1 and M2.
And no different than with my parents and me when I was growing up. I tell M3 that she is doing great, doing
nothing wrong, and most of the time when I get mad, it’s Daddy’s fault. Usually it’s from stress at work. But yesterday, I don’t know what
happened. There was no work deadline, it
was the long weekend, and I don’t find ironing particularly stressful. So I’m not sure why we started shouting. But M3, I can tell you that it’s not your
fault. Daddy just lost it. I’m sorry.
Big Oh
