my day

Today I woke up, brushed my teeth, changed, and ate breakfast. For breakfast I had peanut butter on toast and bean sprouts in chow mein.  Then I watched TV. For lunch I had chick peas fried rice and some kind of noodles.

In the afternoon my sister, my mom, and I went to the bank. I opened a bank account and put in $60. I have lots of money because my birthday is in September.  There were free cookies and juice at the bank.  I ate a cookie but I did not drink juice.

Then we went to the mall. We went to Starbucks and Shopper's Drug Mart. I ordered  small caramel frappucino with no whip cream and no caffeine.  M2 got the same thing.  Mommy got a pumpkin spice latte. We also got a lemon loaf but we did not give any to M1. We texted M1 to see if she wanted Timbits from Tim Horton's but she did not respond. Then we went home.

Now I am doing a blog. Now I am finished my blog. Now I am going to press "Publish".

M3





























































ow  I am doing a blog.

This One's For You

I have written letters to my daughters on their birthdays.  This one is for the Big Oh.

Happy Birthday my dearest husband.  I am thinking about you.  I am smiling because I'm thinking about all the things you've done that make me happy.

A long time ago you gave me a card.  A very large card.  You needed a large card because in it you wrote down 1000 things about me that you love.

We recently went to a beautiful wedding of one of our cousins and as emotional as the speeches were that night, our family remembered your touching speech on our wedding day 18 years ago.  And that made me smile.   I am remembering the feeling of pure newlywed bliss as a young bride.  The way you made me feel like a princess and you were my knight in shining armour to take me away to our paradise.

I am remembering the first home you gave me - OUR first home.  It was a small condo but to me it felt like a mansion.  You let me pick out all the furniture and decorate it anyway I wanted to.   We hosted birthday parties, Christmas & Halloween parties, and bridal showers for friends there.  It was also there that you studied for your exams - those long ago exams that felt like the most important & difficult things you would ever have to do in this world (little did we know then).  When you passed your exams we celebrated & we were so happy to be closing one chapter of our life together & starting a new one.

I remember coming to you one day and saying let's buy a house HERE!  And we did.  Again you let me choose where we would move to.  You let me decide all the large & small details that go with buying a brand new home from floor plans, to wall colours, to flooring and facets and sinks.  If my first home was a mansion then this one now felt like my own palace - a castle fit for a king & queen!

And it is here where you have given me the 3 most important people in our lives.  It is here in our home now with our children that you completed me.  The love and adoration I see you have for your daughters is indescribable.  Only someone in love, that have children of their own, can really understand how I feel.  I am smiling as I am thinking about you & our girls.

I am remembering our hockey playing days, watching Hong Kong movies in Chinatown
& Market Village, concerts & casino trips, vacations and cruises, birthdays and anniversaries, apple picking in the fall,  Christmases & Chinese New Years, dance competitions, beginning of summer rituals & first days back to school.

I know I don't say it enough now-a-days...
I love you for holding me up on my weakest darkest days.
I love you for letting me be me - angry, sad, joyous, and everything in between
I love you for giving me my space & solitude - even when you want to be by my side
I love you for loving me

Happy Birthday Big Oh

Y.C.

A Bad Morning

I wrote this letter back in May to a few best friends when I was having a particularly bad morning....

*****************

I'm going to be selfish this morning.  I'm only going to think about how I'm feeling right now.  I'm not going to worry that I'm burdening you with my problems or be afraid that I'm spoiling your day with my mood.  I'm not going to be positive.  I'm tired of being positive.  I'm tired of looking on the bright side.  I'm tired of thinking about all the things I have and not what I don't have. I'm just tired!

I yelled at M3 this morning.  Again.  She has an eye infection and a bit of a cold & probably some seasonal allergies that make her eyes extra ichy & her nose extra runny.  So to say she's in a bad mood & being a bit difficult is definitely an understatement.  She does not like putting in eye drops & is un-cooperative when we do.   This morning while struggling with her to put the eye drops in I lost it again and yelled & screamed at her.  I threatened to slap her!  I actually had visions of myself raising my hand & slapping her across the face.  I didn't though.  And the eye drops did get in ( I think/I hope).  She went to school.

I got a call 5 minutes after she got dropped off.  It was the school calling.  She had a bad fall walking into the school.  I went to check her out right away.  She was in the office crying.  Her face had scrapes on her forehead, on her nose, on her lips.  She was bleeding from her scrapes, her nose was turning purple with a bruise, and her lips were swollen.  I just broke down at school & started crying with her.  

I took her home & cleaned her up.  I held her.  I apologized for yelling at her this morning.  I told her I love her & everything will be OK.  I told her I could cancel the doctor's appointment I had this morning & stay home with her.  You know what she said?  She said, "No mommy, go to your appointment.  I want you to get better."

So this is where I am now.  Waiting for my turn to see the doctor.  My daughter thinks I'm going to get better but I know I'm not & it's killing me.  This has been a rough week.  It started with M1 crying & me consoling her and now it's ending with M3 crying & me telling her the same thing I told M1: "That everything's going to be OK.  It hurts but you're strong girls & it will get better.   That I love them & I'm proud of them."

I know that even when I'm gone there will be someone to hold them & tell them these things.  There'll be the Big Oh, they will have each other, their older cousins, all their aunts & uncles.  But I want to be the one to tell them these things!  I want to be the one they come to when they need re-assuring!  I want to be here!

This week has been a tough one physically, mentally, emotionally.

That's all I've got now.  Thanks for listening.

*****************

At the time I wrote this letter to my friends it was meant to be just an outlet for the tough week I was having.  I didn't know that rough week would end up being most of my summer & still going on.  My M3 still continues to have outbursts of anger, impatience, and frustrations.  We hope we are doing all the right things for her, but realize we may need professional help if her temperament doesn't improve.

And me?  My monthly hospital visits turned into weekly ones over the summer.   And the visits & treatments are taking a toil on me - physically, mentally & emotionally.  And I don't know if 

anything is working.   But I have no other choice right now - except to do nothing - which is NOT an option I am willing to consider.

Y.C.