I've been meaning to write this post for a while now. Really I have. But every time I start to write something it sounds too sad and depressing - and I leave it for another day.
The thing with cancer is that it never really goes away. Even if the treatment and medication stops and the blood work and scans come back "negative" you are only in "remission". It can come back anytime without warning, without prejudice.
I’m really trying not to sound sad & depressing but it is. I’m tired of saying “I’m doing well” when I get asked how I’m feeling. Do people really want to hear the truth? Do they really want to know how horrible I feel? How this disease is slowly sucking the life out of me? How I am in pain & discomfort most of the time now and when I’m not physically unwell, the pain is in my heart & mind - thinking about whether I’ll make it to the next birthday, anniversary, graduation, or celebration.
I really don’t know what is harder - accepting the fact of being sick and knowing I won’t get better, or trying to make the best of what it is and convincing everyone around me that I’m OK. Because you know what? It’s NOT OK. And no matter how many spins I put on this, it won’t change the inevitable.
2017 has been a pretty crappy year. Not the WORST year ever, for me that would have to be 2014 hands-down the winner, but this year is a close 2nd. Probably the most difficult part for me was not just my own struggles, challenges and worries, but knowing some of the people closest and dearest to me have had a lot of struggles this year too. Even though 2017 may be ending on sad note for some of you let’s try to make 2018 start off right. I’ll go first...
Y.C.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Friday, December 29, 2017
Wedding Day
I went to a wedding yesterday. It was beautiful. The atmosphere was both fun and elegant. The bride & groom's wedding vows (which they wrote themselves) and their thank you speeches at the end of the dinner reception were the best ones I've heard in a long time.
Throughout the evening I kept thinking about my wedding 18 years ago. I was trying to remember details of it but was having difficulty doing so. But I do remember some things. I remember feeling so loved by the Big Oh - the joy, excitement, and anticipation that I'll be spending the rest of my life with this wonderful man and how lucky I was to be his wife.
I remember my friends who were there. We were young when we got married, both only 25 years old, and we were the first to be married in our group of friends so it was a great party for all of us. There was no wedding planner, no engagement photos or a video montage to share. We didn't have fancy centre pieces, professional bouquets or a designer wedding cake served with a dessert table & midnight buffet. Instead, my girlfriends stayed up late the night before making my bouquets, we played silly Chinese wedding games, we drank, we took lots of pictures (the old fashion way and not with a photobooth), and my cake was an afterthought from a cheap Chinese bakery, that if my memory serves me correct, we forgot to served!
I remember my mom and my grandmother serving traditional Chinese dumplings the night before and a Chinese ritual of combing my hair to bless my marriage. We read generic wedding vows and I don't remember exactly what I said in my thank you speech (I suppose I could dig up my old wedding video but I'd also have to find a VHS Machine to play it on). I’m sure my speech was clumsy and immature, and I spoke mostly of superficial things in my life up to that point when it really should have been about deeper gratitude to my family - particularly to my mother for the love, sacrifices and heartaches that she had while raising us.
I also thought about my children. I admit the tears that I had during the ceremony and speeches were not entirely for the bride and groom last night - they were also for my girls. Of course I hope to be here to witness each of my daughters wedding days but the reality is that I may not be. I hope their special day will be filled with as much happiness, love and gratitude as there was last night.
Throughout the evening I kept thinking about my wedding 18 years ago. I was trying to remember details of it but was having difficulty doing so. But I do remember some things. I remember feeling so loved by the Big Oh - the joy, excitement, and anticipation that I'll be spending the rest of my life with this wonderful man and how lucky I was to be his wife.
I remember my friends who were there. We were young when we got married, both only 25 years old, and we were the first to be married in our group of friends so it was a great party for all of us. There was no wedding planner, no engagement photos or a video montage to share. We didn't have fancy centre pieces, professional bouquets or a designer wedding cake served with a dessert table & midnight buffet. Instead, my girlfriends stayed up late the night before making my bouquets, we played silly Chinese wedding games, we drank, we took lots of pictures (the old fashion way and not with a photobooth), and my cake was an afterthought from a cheap Chinese bakery, that if my memory serves me correct, we forgot to served!
I remember my mom and my grandmother serving traditional Chinese dumplings the night before and a Chinese ritual of combing my hair to bless my marriage. We read generic wedding vows and I don't remember exactly what I said in my thank you speech (I suppose I could dig up my old wedding video but I'd also have to find a VHS Machine to play it on). I’m sure my speech was clumsy and immature, and I spoke mostly of superficial things in my life up to that point when it really should have been about deeper gratitude to my family - particularly to my mother for the love, sacrifices and heartaches that she had while raising us.
I also thought about my children. I admit the tears that I had during the ceremony and speeches were not entirely for the bride and groom last night - they were also for my girls. Of course I hope to be here to witness each of my daughters wedding days but the reality is that I may not be. I hope their special day will be filled with as much happiness, love and gratitude as there was last night.
Y.C.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Sick Day
M3 has been home sick for the last 2 days. In between naps we've watched a movie, played board games & card games, made a "store" in our living room with a flyer for things "on sale", and this morning I convinced her to write a blog. It's short but it did take 15 minutes....Help! I'm running out of ideas, and it looks like she'll be home tomorrow too!!
********************
Today is Thursday, Dec 7 2017
I have lots of friends at school.
My friends are S*****, H*****, K****, M****, V******, J******, and N***. All my friend are in my class except for Maddy and Valerie. My teacher's name is Ms. Lauglin. My favorite subjects are music, science, DPA, art, and literacy. I went to a field trip to Markham Theatre to watch Pinocchio. We had our first primary assembly. It was about anti-bullying. We made posters for anti-bullying . We had a presentation for science. I wrote a lot. My principal's name is H. G*****.
M3
********************
Today is Thursday, Dec 7 2017
I have lots of friends at school.
My friends are S*****, H*****, K****, M****, V******, J******, and N***. All my friend are in my class except for Maddy and Valerie. My teacher's name is Ms. Lauglin. My favorite subjects are music, science, DPA, art, and literacy. I went to a field trip to Markham Theatre to watch Pinocchio. We had our first primary assembly. It was about anti-bullying. We made posters for anti-bullying . We had a presentation for science. I wrote a lot. My principal's name is H. G*****.
M3
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