I've been meaning to write this post for a while now. Really I have. But every time I start to write something it sounds too sad and depressing - and I leave it for another day.
The thing with cancer is that it never really goes away. Even if the treatment and medication stops and the blood work and scans come back "negative" you are only in "remission". It can come back anytime without warning, without prejudice.
I’m really trying not to sound sad & depressing but it is. I’m tired of saying “I’m doing well” when I get asked how I’m feeling. Do people really want to hear the truth? Do they really want to know how horrible I feel? How this disease is slowly sucking the life out of me? How I am in pain & discomfort most of the time now and when I’m not physically unwell, the pain is in my heart & mind - thinking about whether I’ll make it to the next birthday, anniversary, graduation, or celebration.
I really don’t know what is harder - accepting the fact of being sick and knowing I won’t get better, or trying to make the best of what it is and convincing everyone around me that I’m OK. Because you know what? It’s NOT OK. And no matter how many spins I put on this, it won’t change the inevitable.
2017 has been a pretty crappy year. Not the WORST year ever, for me that would have to be 2014 hands-down the winner, but this year is a close 2nd. Probably the most difficult part for me was not just my own struggles, challenges and worries, but knowing some of the people closest and dearest to me have had a lot of struggles this year too. Even though 2017 may be ending on sad note for some of you let’s try to make 2018 start off right. I’ll go first...
Y.C.
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