A Bad Morning

I wrote this letter back in May to a few best friends when I was having a particularly bad morning....

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I'm going to be selfish this morning.  I'm only going to think about how I'm feeling right now.  I'm not going to worry that I'm burdening you with my problems or be afraid that I'm spoiling your day with my mood.  I'm not going to be positive.  I'm tired of being positive.  I'm tired of looking on the bright side.  I'm tired of thinking about all the things I have and not what I don't have. I'm just tired!

I yelled at M3 this morning.  Again.  She has an eye infection and a bit of a cold & probably some seasonal allergies that make her eyes extra ichy & her nose extra runny.  So to say she's in a bad mood & being a bit difficult is definitely an understatement.  She does not like putting in eye drops & is un-cooperative when we do.   This morning while struggling with her to put the eye drops in I lost it again and yelled & screamed at her.  I threatened to slap her!  I actually had visions of myself raising my hand & slapping her across the face.  I didn't though.  And the eye drops did get in ( I think/I hope).  She went to school.

I got a call 5 minutes after she got dropped off.  It was the school calling.  She had a bad fall walking into the school.  I went to check her out right away.  She was in the office crying.  Her face had scrapes on her forehead, on her nose, on her lips.  She was bleeding from her scrapes, her nose was turning purple with a bruise, and her lips were swollen.  I just broke down at school & started crying with her.  

I took her home & cleaned her up.  I held her.  I apologized for yelling at her this morning.  I told her I love her & everything will be OK.  I told her I could cancel the doctor's appointment I had this morning & stay home with her.  You know what she said?  She said, "No mommy, go to your appointment.  I want you to get better."

So this is where I am now.  Waiting for my turn to see the doctor.  My daughter thinks I'm going to get better but I know I'm not & it's killing me.  This has been a rough week.  It started with M1 crying & me consoling her and now it's ending with M3 crying & me telling her the same thing I told M1: "That everything's going to be OK.  It hurts but you're strong girls & it will get better.   That I love them & I'm proud of them."

I know that even when I'm gone there will be someone to hold them & tell them these things.  There'll be the Big Oh, they will have each other, their older cousins, all their aunts & uncles.  But I want to be the one to tell them these things!  I want to be the one they come to when they need re-assuring!  I want to be here!

This week has been a tough one physically, mentally, emotionally.

That's all I've got now.  Thanks for listening.

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At the time I wrote this letter to my friends it was meant to be just an outlet for the tough week I was having.  I didn't know that rough week would end up being most of my summer & still going on.  My M3 still continues to have outbursts of anger, impatience, and frustrations.  We hope we are doing all the right things for her, but realize we may need professional help if her temperament doesn't improve.

And me?  My monthly hospital visits turned into weekly ones over the summer.   And the visits & treatments are taking a toil on me - physically, mentally & emotionally.  And I don't know if 

anything is working.   But I have no other choice right now - except to do nothing - which is NOT an option I am willing to consider.

Y.C.