Big Oh's Top Ten List of 2018

10) Watching M1 and M2 dance in competitions.  M1 is becoming a more and more well-rounded dancer.  M2 has 2 moves named after her.

9) John Tavares signs with the Toronto Maple Leafs.

8) M3 performs at her first piano recital.  So nervous but she did a great job.

7) My siblings and my parents.  Why do I think of winning the lottery every week when I already have?

6) Playing card games and board games with M2.  Homer Simpson said no parent has ever enjoyed playing games with their children.  But I do now with M2.  I love watching her enthusiasm and the way she learns strategies.  I don't have to let her win anymore - she can do it on her own.

5) M3 gets her first ever trophy; for basketball.  She was so happy I almost cried.

4) M1 is chosen as valedictorian of her graduating class.

3) My father - I think about him everyday.  He is my real hero.  He did so much for me, my siblings, my family; and I couldn't do anything for him.  I miss him so much.

2) My three girls - you are my hope, my love, my life.

1) My beautiful wife.  Your strength and courage inspire me everyday.  You continue to think about the well-being of everyone around you, even when you should be taking time to pamper yourself.

Big Oh

Top Ten List Of 2018

Twenty-one days ago I wrote "Christmas Countdown" and now I'm writing my top ten list. The past 3 weeks have been a blur of friends, family, and food - we wouldn't want it any other way.

10) My Health - This may be a funny thing to put on my "Top Ten" list, but I am still here and I am grateful for that.

9) Therapy - This is also an odd one to put on my list and is difficult to explain. It is a work in progress but I know we need it.

8) My Kodi Box And Netflix - There were many days that I needed a break from "real life". On those days when I needed a distraction from scheduling of appointments, waiting for test results, thinking of the future, and living in the present, that little black box came through for me

7) Dance - This always appears on my list and this year is no different. M1 and M2 continue to grow and mature on stage, and are learning to use every inch of their body to express happiness and sorrow and everything in between. This summer they tried something different and I'm so proud of them for doing that

6) My Friends - And I have many. The ones who drive me to my appointments, and who let me complain to them & cry to them. The ones who laugh with me and share meals and long conversations with me. The ones who just know when to send a thoughtful message. There are too many to list, you know who you are.

5) My Family - They are the ones who quietly holds us up, keep my children safe, keep me and the Big Oh sane. They are the ones who we don't need to ask and things will get done for us. They fix things around the house for us, they'll pick up groceries for us if they see it on sale, they'll make soup and extra food for us, and never want or expect anything in return.

4) M2 - This year she joined her very first school sports team - basketball. She learned the game, practiced hard, and gave it her all on every shift she took. I'm so happy and proud that she tried out for the team because I know how difficult it can be for M2 to try something new, especially if it's something she doesn't think she'll be good at.

3) M3 - She also started playing basketball on a recreational league. She re-started swimming lessons and continued with her piano lessons. She is having fun and gaining life skills while searching for her passion, which I know she will find. Although both her sisters took piano lessons neither of them performed in a piano recital which M3 did this year. Seeing her overcome her nervousness and having her own spotlight was one of the best moments this year.

2) M1 - This was a big year for her. She worked hard all through her grade 8 year to get the best marks. She excelled on her sports teams and extra-curricular clubs. She made the honour roll, was the Leadership Award Recipient, and gave the Valedictorian Address at her graduation. She started high school and continues to strive to be the best she can be. And she finally got her braces off!

1) The Big Oh - You always make my list. You are always number 1. I've said "I'm sorry" to you a lot over the last 5 years. I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry all the time. I love you and I am here because of you.

Y.C.

Excited For Christmas

Today I am going to write about the Christmas holiday that is coming up in three days. I love Christmas because you get to see family members and  you have a  party. You get presents at Christmas, and even though you get presents on your birthday, you get much more at Christmas time. I feel like you get more presents on Christmas than your birthday because I see a lot of extended family members at Christmas time, and on my birthday I only see my immediate. Every Christmas I have a party at my house on Christmas Day and my uncle makes special pancakes.  I only get his pancakes once a year. We also do a Secret Santa  with my cousins and if you don't know how it works it goes like this: you each pick a name out of a bag and whoever you get you buy a present for them. We also have a winter break from school for the holiday.  My family and I take lots of pictures.  I am super excited for Christmas. 😃

M3

Christmas Countdown

The first holiday party is under our belts.  Full steam ahead.
This past weekend we spent some quality time with some dear friends, but not without some drama at home first - doesn’t that always happen?  I wake up thinking it’ll be a good day.  But just when we least suspect, something goes awry.  It will take huge efforts from all 5 of us to get back on track (if we even do) and continue the course of the day we had planned.   Fortunately we did make it to our dinner party and we did enjoy our time with our friends.   That is something we’ll be reminding ourselves at every gathering we have.   We will not be distracted from feeling loved & blessed, we will be grateful for every moment we have with the people we love, and we will be happy.

Christmas isn’t my favourite time of year but my children love it.  And they are looking forward to spending time with their cousins.  We always have many special meals and a huge family party.  This year I’ll be hosting dinner for my family - I even bought a turkey!  I’ve always said keeping busy is good - it gives me a purpose - something to look forward to - and right now some family time is exactly what I need.

14 days left to Christmas, 20 days to 2019.

Y.C.

Steps

Today is Sept 19, 2018.   The news is not good.  It is not working anymore.  Not even small baby steps.  No more steps forward.  But I am planting my feet firmly on the ground, digging my heels in, refusing to be pulled back.   With every ounce of strength I have I am resisting because I know once I take that first step back I’ll get pulled harder & stronger until it pulls me down - unable to get up again.   I am running out of options.   It is an odd feeling.  I don’t really know how to describe it.  On one hand, I look no different.  I continue to eat, talk, & laugh with you.  I am here and I am present.  We are planning for all things we will do & places we will go.  And on the other hand, these people, the experts, the tests, the words in black and white, tell a different story.  I’m uncertain how I should be feeling right now.  I guess I feel...uncertain.

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Sometimes I write things down and I don’t post it.  Sometimes I forget about it.  Sometimes it’s unfinished.  And sometimes I just don’t feel like it’s the right ‘time’.

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March 23, 2018

Here I am again. A familiar spot. This spot is called “Two steps back”.  As in “One step forward two steps back”.  I was hoping the new team, the new environment, and the fresh minds would give me another chance - or at least a little more time.  But it’s all the same.  A repetition of what the last 3 years have been.  What to do now?  Continue to cling and claw until my fingers and hands are bloodied & numb (quite literally in fact) to an almost non-existent hope?  Or do I resolve that we did our best, the most that we could do and that the outcome was already written at the onset and that it’s finally time to come to terms with it.  To prepare for it.  To accept it.  My mind says yes but my heart cries out ‘No’.

Y.C.

January 12, 2018

I’m tired.  I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of telling my children that “I’m tired.  Be quiet.  Let me rest.”   I want to run.  I want build snowmen and snow forts.  I want to climb.  I want to swim.  I want to jump.  I want to laugh hard.  Really really hard.  I want to feel.  Feel anything except being tired.

I just realized M3 is now the same age that M2 was when I was first diagnosed.  M3 seems so young. I can’t imagine what was going on inside M2’s mind 4 years ago.  How my little girl had to grow up so fast during those first few months.  These past 4 years have been a blur - with only the worst days imprinted in my memory.

A few weeks ago I was certain of how 2018 would start.  It didn’t turn out exactly as how I imagined, which isn’t a bad thing, but now I keep thinking about how the next few months will unfold.  I keep reminding myself not to think too far ahead.

Y.C.

August 14, 2017

The best kind of friends are old friends.
I don't need to make small talk.
Silence is not awkward but comfortable.
Some of my most intimate thoughts & feelings are shared with these people.

I spent time with some of my dearest friends this evening. It was filled with laughs and memories of our younger years, & stories of our children & family today.  We talk about our futures in the context of our children a lot - what we hope to teach them in life, what we hope they'll become. I also felt a hint of sadness. I am sad because these nights for me are few & far between and I'm not sure when the next time will be.

I have played out in my mind who I'd want to see when the time comes.  This group of friends have always been included in my thoughts.  What would I say to them? Would it be like tonight, reminiscing, nostalgic, laughter, comfortable silence?  I certainly hope so.

Y.C.

AGT

M2 is a huge AGT fan.  She made an AGT fan IG account (agt.fan2018) where she’ll post pictures, predictions, and comments on this year’s contestants - she’s even had a couple of the actual contestants “Like” and make comments on her fan page!  My favourite contestant this year is a soloist, Michael Ketterer.  He won’t win the competition, there are definitely other acts that are more “Vegas-worthy”, but he has made the final round.  He’s only preformed 3 times but his soulful-country-rock vocals has really made an impact on the show, on social media, and on me!

For his latest performance in the semi-finals this week he sang “When I Look At You”.  I had never heard this song before and at first I wasn’t feeling it as much as his previous 2 auditions when he sang “To Love Somebody” and “Us”.  However the more I listen to it, the more I connect to the song - the lyrics are particularly meaningful to me.  And when I first read through them I thought of my “inspirations” - The Big Oh & my beuatiful girls.  Here are a couple of links to the lyrics and to the Semi-Final performance:

When I Look At You Lyrics

When I Look At You Michael Ketterer AGT Semi-Finals

I feel very lucky that I have beautiful inspirations to look to in my times of darkness - I hope you all can find your inspiration too.

Y.C.

A Few Good Men

I’ve thought about my funeral.
I’ve even talked about it with The Big Oh & my kids.
Not really in specific terms but more hypothetically speaking.
I know my friends & family will cry.  They will be sad.  Sad that I’m no longer here.  Sad for what could have been.

But I hope amongst the sadness & tears there will be happy memories.  There will be smiles & a sense of satisfaction that I made it so far.

There is one very specific thing that I’ve thought about for my funeral.  I have thought about who my pall-bearers would be.  I have been fortunate to know a few good men.  Of course one of them is The Big Oh.  He’s not perfect by far, but he’s perfect for me.  And I know our girls love him with the admiration & respect he deserves.   My daughters have many uncles & aunts from both my side & their dad’s side of the family.  But when the time comes there are 5 very special men that I hope my daughters see by my side.  They have never just been “Uncle So-And-So” .  They are so much more than that.  They are my brothers.  They are my children’s surrogate-fathers.   They’ve listened to The Big Oh & I complain.  They’ve held back their tears & stayed strong for us when we’ve broken down and cried.   These men have all helped hold our family together when it felt like our world was ending.   When my girls look up at these men I hope they see the kindness, strength, patience, honour and love they possess.   These men have set the bar high - examples to my children of what a friend, brother, husband and father should be.  And I hope one day my girls will be as lucky as I am to have a few good men in their lives too.

Y.C.